Notes app rejects
sometimes i'll try to write here instead.
8.20.2026
having a lot of existential dread
meaning,
i'm having a hard time grappling with
death
as a permanency
it is undoubtedly a privilege
to want life so badly
that you now fear the end of it.
you never used to.
like the rideshare home after a concert
or the sinking feeling as the credits fade in
08. 13. 2026
when i first discovered the internet, probably about 20 years ago (for context: i just turned 28 last week), one of the very first kinds of spaces that sucked me in were forums. chatrooms. blogs. i was a child desperate for connection and discovering a world at my fingertips i couldn't possibly comprehend the vastness of.
i suppose there are some things that are buried deep into the core of your being and show up over and over again, one way or another. my desperation to understand a world i never fully can is still a gnawing, snarling monster at my big age. the biggest difference of my understanding of the world, though, is that i believe in its future less.
it's a sign of the times, i guess.
something about this space here felt like re-entering a corner of the internet that last existed when i still believed in the future. or it did, until i spent several hours building this page on the day i created my account only to find that the next day, i saved absolutely zero of the progress, and the page appeared as the corny little template that it began as. what a fucking metaphor.
it took me a week to get over that (objectively minor) inconvenience and now i'm back to try again. yay!
this is my first entry of what i hope to be many more in my never-ending quest to understand... maybe myself, maybe the internet, or some weird combination of both.
*~*~*~*
the performer perches
steadily, on the wings,
dips her toe
into the spilling
blue light.
the stage is familiar.
when the dance begins,
it's as if
she never misstepped.
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